Paranoia: Dating Poison

I’m a grown-up.
I’m accomplished.
I’m self-sufficient.
I’m also self-aware and insightful.

So, the big question is:

Why do I become an insecure teenager when it comes to dating a man I like?

The simple answer is:

Paranoia/parra noy a/ n. Extreme and unreasonable suspicion of other people and their motives.

Does that sound a bit over the top? You may be thinking, “Sure, I get scared, but I’m not paranoid. Men give me reasons to be suspicious.” That probably is true sometimes. But, I know there are times I’ve made myself feel crazy for what turned out to be no good reason.

Let me give you an example. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve lost sleep after a perfectly wonderful evening with a great guy. Not because I was adrift in a reverie of romance as I reflected on our date, but because he left without setting up our next date. Had he said “How about dinner on Tuesday?” instead of, “I’ll call you soon”, I’d have fallen asleep with sweet thoughts of him in my head. But no, just because I didn’t have a time certain, I’ve let myself plunge into the depths of doubt.

Didn’t he enjoy the evening as much as I did?
Will he call me…and, if so, when?
How can he not want to know when he’ll see me again? Doesn’t it matter?

Those are the questions I’ve asked myself in an effort to avoid the real question…the one I’m afraid of.

If he doesn’t want to be with me, will I be alone forever?

Whoa! How’s that for making a mountain out of a mole hill? How can an innocent parting comment send an otherwise sane woman over the edge? Am I the only woman who reacts like that? No way! Women tell me all the time that they’re riddled with insecurities when men don’t say or do what they want them to say or do. Sounds like paranoia to me. In my case, it’s as if I write a script and, when a man doesn’t stick to it, I suspect him and his motives. The really unfair part is that I never actually give him the script. I expect him to instinctively know his lines and recite them as I’ve imagined he would.
Does it sound unreasonable to impose my expectations on an innocent, unsuspecting male? Sure, but that’s not my primary concern here. I worry more about how my reaction and subsequent behavior can sabotage a promising relationship. I’m capable of going from “That disappoints me” to “I’ll be alone forever” in a heartbeat.


As is true of most people, I’m not at my best when I’m feeling paranoid. My fear can bring out the worst in me. After all, fear is powerful…especially unreasonable fear. I sometimes feel like a character in an old cartoon with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Unfortunately, the Bad Me is very seductive. She says I should assume the worst:

He doesn’t care.
He takes me for granted.
He’s going to disappear.
I’m destined to be alone.

Those awful assumptions can make me want to act out. Not that action has to be a bad thing. But, when I act from paranoia I seem…well…paranoid. Or worse yet, I come off as pathetic. Not too appealing, huh? Hey, I wouldn’t like a man like that. Why should I expect him to feel any differently? No one loves a whiner!

“Why haven’t you called me?” You should have called me.
“Don’t you want to see me?” You should have asked me out.
“Don’t you like me?” You’re failing to show me you like me.
“I deserve more!” You should be doing more!

Yuck! Those messages would turn off anyone. Guilt, guilt, guilt!

Do I have an alternative?

Yes!!! I’m learning to look at my other shoulder and listen to what the Good Me has to say. She may not be as spicy as the Bad Me, but her advice has been paying off for me. She has been encouraging me to look at evidence instead of jumping to paranoid conclusions.

Think back to my date’s innocent parting, “I’ll call you soon.” Do those four words outweigh an entire evening of attention, great conversation, compliments and affection? Don’t the nice things I know for sure mean more than the negative things I can assume? Is it worth suffering before I actually know if there’s anything wrong? Why choose to believe that I can’t find a healthy relationship?

Good Me has been helping me keep from acting crazy by putting a gag on Bad Me. Even when we can only silence Bad Me briefly, it gives a guy a chance to come through and call me before I do anything to wrack havoc. Each time I’ve avoided paranoid behavior I’ve been rewarded. When I’ve assumed the best, I’ve gotten it. Each time I get the best, it’s easier for me to expect the best.

Sure, choosing to trust is always a risk, but so is choosing to be too paranoid to trust.

I’ve started fighting paranoia. You can, too.

Let’s not allow paranoia to poison our potential happiness.